Man.

Wow. Reading over what I last wrote, made me want to write a new blog entry, because so much has happened since I last posted.

There is so much crap going on in my life right now - and it doesn't seem that it'll get any better...

I am engaged. YAY, right? Yeah. I guess so. I mean, yeah, it's good. It's just ever since Hawk and I got engaged, things have been weird. We've fought about things that will happen once we're married - like how I want to homeschool his sisters - because they'll be going to need to start school in the fall.
The conversation just went on and on last night and for a while today when we were chatting. It's just getting old.
We finally came to an agreement, but I'm not sure exactly how he feels about it, even though he gave in to me.

There are so many things that I could say - that I won't say, because of love. I love Hawk. A lot. And I know that I always will. As we talk, we keep saying things like 'Does God really want us together', or 'Should we really get married?'.
I don't even know. I know that God wants us together and I know that I want to be with him. But it gets harder with every fight we have.
I have decided that you fight the hardest with the people you love the most. It's just so hard.
God knows that He wants Hawk and I together, and I know that too. But sometimes it feels like we're on the edge of our seats. We don't know what's going to happen next.
And then the next thing happens and BAM! We're not sure if we should get married or not.
Trust only lasts so long.

We say hurtful things to each other - that shouldn't ever be said. We tell each other things that we shouldn't have told. We talk every night, about things that don't need to be discussed, but somehow forget to tell each other WHAT we should.
Man. Am I the only person who's engaged, that doesn't know if the marriage will actually work?
Marriage is a life-long vow. I've had to let that run through my mind a lot. Life-long. Forever.
For me, that's not that scary. But it's gotta be hard. I don't ever want to get a divorce.
And every time Hawk and I fight, it's like - 'what happens if we fight like this when we're married. Will our marriage disolve'.

But one thing is for sure.
I love Hawk.
And he loves me.
That's something.
"It Can't Rain Everday.", as Hawk would say.

~MorganLeigh