I love my friends.

I am currently sitting in my best friend, Bekah's house. Her, her wonderful husband, Dereck, my baby boy, Ryan, and I are all just sitting around, talking.

It has been a really long time since we've all sat down, and could actually 'talk' about random things - instead of something BIG that is going on. Like the heart transplant that Bekah had to have - and the hard things that were going on in my life with my ex-boyfriend(fiance).

There have been some things going on in my life - the last couple of nights that don't really need to be mentioned - like how my ex is trying to pressure me to do something that I"m just NOT willing to do right now. I will tell you all that I'm still in love with the guy - but he's been driving me completely batty. He's telling me things I'd wished I could hear since we've broken up - like that he loves me and wants me - but I think that it's only so I'll give him what he wants.
I don't know when to trust someone and when not to.

If that wasn't complicated enough - I've got another guy friend. He recently told me that he loves me. And I don't know exactly how I feel about him. He's a great guy - who also happens to be my best friend, Bekah's (who I"m sitting in her house) brother.
I mean - truthfully, he's an incredible guy, who deserves only the best - and I really don't want to hurt him, the way that I've been hurt.
But I just don't know exactly what God has planned for my life - who I'm supposed to be with, and when I'm supposed to be with them.

At any rate, I'm trying to get all this crap out of my mind, so i can have a nice, peaceful time with my friends. I don't know how long I'll be staying here, but I hope that it'll be a while.
I could use some time off - getting all this out of my head, and just having fun.

Bekah is currently pregnant with her first child, and she's holding Ry-baby (my son...a month old tomorrow), for mommy practice.
I can't wait to be an 'Auntie Morgan..."

I think we'll just hang out around here for the rest of the day, I'm exhausted from the 21 hours that I drove within the last two days, and I just need some time to catch up on sleep deprivation. Ha.
No, I'm being serious. I'm so exhausted.
But Bekah's beautiful house is so cozy, and they're such great hosts, I think that I'll feel right at home here.

I love you guys!
~Morg, Morgan, Morgan Leigh...
(So many nicknames...I never know what to use anymore.)

Teenage Heartbreak

Have you ever heard the song Teenage Heartbreak by EleventySeven? Well, if you haven't, but have had your heart broken, I suggest listening to that song.

I am not going to go into all the gory details, but for sure, it isn't worth it at all. I don't even want to talk about it - that's how badly it hurts me.

All I know is that getting your heart broken feels like someone ripped out your heart and stomped on it. I feel like I was being used.

I guess this was how God wanted it to happen, and I know it had to be part of his plan. Hawk and I weren't supposed to be together, whatever. I'm alright with that- I just gotta get used to it. Which is really proving to be hard.

He and I have talked a few times since we broke up - and it's definitely awkward. Definitely different that it was- but I don't know what I would expect.

I'm just praying that God has someone out there for me. I know He does. I just wish that it was easier than this...

~MorganLeigh

Man.

Wow. Reading over what I last wrote, made me want to write a new blog entry, because so much has happened since I last posted.

There is so much crap going on in my life right now - and it doesn't seem that it'll get any better...

I am engaged. YAY, right? Yeah. I guess so. I mean, yeah, it's good. It's just ever since Hawk and I got engaged, things have been weird. We've fought about things that will happen once we're married - like how I want to homeschool his sisters - because they'll be going to need to start school in the fall.
The conversation just went on and on last night and for a while today when we were chatting. It's just getting old.
We finally came to an agreement, but I'm not sure exactly how he feels about it, even though he gave in to me.

There are so many things that I could say - that I won't say, because of love. I love Hawk. A lot. And I know that I always will. As we talk, we keep saying things like 'Does God really want us together', or 'Should we really get married?'.
I don't even know. I know that God wants us together and I know that I want to be with him. But it gets harder with every fight we have.
I have decided that you fight the hardest with the people you love the most. It's just so hard.
God knows that He wants Hawk and I together, and I know that too. But sometimes it feels like we're on the edge of our seats. We don't know what's going to happen next.
And then the next thing happens and BAM! We're not sure if we should get married or not.
Trust only lasts so long.

We say hurtful things to each other - that shouldn't ever be said. We tell each other things that we shouldn't have told. We talk every night, about things that don't need to be discussed, but somehow forget to tell each other WHAT we should.
Man. Am I the only person who's engaged, that doesn't know if the marriage will actually work?
Marriage is a life-long vow. I've had to let that run through my mind a lot. Life-long. Forever.
For me, that's not that scary. But it's gotta be hard. I don't ever want to get a divorce.
And every time Hawk and I fight, it's like - 'what happens if we fight like this when we're married. Will our marriage disolve'.

But one thing is for sure.
I love Hawk.
And he loves me.
That's something.
"It Can't Rain Everday.", as Hawk would say.

~MorganLeigh

Wow

Okay, so who needs consistency? I am no good at writing on this blog regularly. I guess that's alright - because it appears that no one reads it anyway. Oh, well. At least I can get my thoughts out.

Things are going on in my life that are making it harder and harder to live - but I've been trusting God completely and I know that He has a plan for me - even if I don't know what it may be.

My boyfriend and I are thinking of getting married - because of some of the issues that are going on - but because I'm so young, I'm not sure what exactly we are going to do. We're still thinking on it.
I'm sick - and I don't know how long I have left to live - so the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing has gotten a lot harder on me. I love my boyfriend - Hawk- and I want to be with him - but everything is so hard.

Not much else to say - I feel like I talk about the big things, but don't say much of anything else. I'm sorry.

~MorganLeigh

I feel so good

That's a new one, right? Who knew that for once in my life, I could actually feel good? I am joking, people. I have a lot of good days, but I also have a lot of bad days, as well.

The last couple of days have actually been some really good ones. I did get my promotion at work - found out this morning - meaning more money and less hours. Nice, huh?
I never thought - that after my past boyfriend, Jerk, I would ever be able to fall in love again. I never thought that it would happen. I was sure that i was burned out on love and would never be able to do it again - for fear that he wouldn't be what I thought he was in the end.
Now - I know that God had different plans for my life. Who knew that all of this would happen, other than Him? I never thought that talking with Hawk was going to lead to love. He didn't either - so I know that it was a God thing.

I also found out that my boyfriend wants to be with me forever - in other words, marriage. I can't believe all of this. It's like God has really taken my life into His hands and taken it where he wanted to. For the longest time - I'd been hoping that Hawk would become a Christian - and we could pursue something like this - and now, he is. I can't even fathom how awesome all of this is.
God works wonders.
He is a God of miracles.

I love the Lord, and everything that He has done in my life.
THANK YOU LORD!
~MorganLeigh

Life is....HARD!

You know how guys are wishy-washy and schizophrenic? Well, the guy I'm dealing with now - is like that.
But sometimes I can't help but say that I'm in love with him - and don't really even care.
It just seems that he doesn't know what he wants. Which - in my opinion, I don't really know what I want, either. So I totally understand all of his issues and all.
Why do guys have to be like that though? One day, they love you. The next day, they don't. Or don't want to be with you, or something along those lines. I am not bashing on him at all (well, maybe a little, but he's become used to it), I like him a lot, and want to be with him - I'm just getting my feelings out on this blog.

~~~~~~
There's not much to say about my own life - other than what I said above. I live in a boring little town - with only a couple friends (the guy I like, lives in Chicago), and very little to do, other than work.
Work has been interesting lately. I work as a waitress, but they're thinking of promoting me - into doing managing or something - because I need more money, and i work hard.
So we'll see what comes out of this...
Prayer is good in all of this - seeing as I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I'm ready to move out of this house that I call home. My dad is being a jerk - like always - and doesn't want anything to do with me. I just find all of this so hard. Why does life have to be so HARD?!

I guess because, even though I"m a Christian - life isn't instantly easy. God gives us struggles, so He can see if we have enough Faith to still believe in Him - and know that he's always there.

~MorganLeigh

I'm numb

Feelings are a hard thing for me to share with other people. Especially people who are just going to stumble upon this blog for no reason at all.

I have started to chat with someone. And the person has become really special to me. But that person just really dropped a bombshell on me (two actually - one bad and one good), and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
This person has become so special to me - that I can barely live a day without talking to them.
Why do people act crazy when they're possibly falling for someone? I'm not saying I am falling for the person - but it is a definite possibility. The guy is definitely cute - and a great friend.
I still don't understand why I fell for him though. He mentioned that he was falling for me as well - and that we were really in love with each other. It all happened so fast. And I'm not sure how is happened.
It totally took us both by surprise.
I'm still in shock over all of it.
But it's a good shock! :)

Other than what I mentioned above - my life has been going on day to day - not really changing that much.
I work, and work, and work - and work.
Dont' ever spend time with the family - because, we haven't gotten along since Mom left us.
Anyway...enough for tonight.
I'm bushed.
~MorganLeigh